we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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