i was rollin on her like bob the builder
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
