stop calling my apartment porn island.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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