i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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