the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
