____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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