Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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