recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
