connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize