my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
