Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
