I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
