I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
