You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
