Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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