and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
