I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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