Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize