You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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