I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
