3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Church boner. Awkwardddd
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
