Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
