I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize