i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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