im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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