ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
