True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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