whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
