there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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