I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
