So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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