My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
