You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
