so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
