just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
