my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
