this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
