I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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