I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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