There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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