theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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