She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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