I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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