just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
