My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
