someone threw a dead crab at me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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