After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
