Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
