she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize