i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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