I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
BRING THE BAGELS
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
