i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
