i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
