help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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