Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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