i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
