Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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