all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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