I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
