she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
