The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
