from now on my penis is your penis
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
