Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
