ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
